Final Tribute for Mom and Dad - April 30, 2005



Here are pictures from the day and events leading up to it. Below is what I know and remember from the events.



As planned, the cremains of Mom and Dad were buried at St. James cemetery on April 30, 2005, to coincide with Mom’s 86th birthday. (The date of April 30 was chosen because it was Mom’s birthday and a Saturday in spring - we had gotten the cremains back around New Year's Day - much too cold outside to consider a burial!) The actual ceremony was lovely and went as planned. Getting to that point was a bit more involved……

More than eight weeks before, Theresa, Karl, Paul and Judy went to Jonas Memorial Arts in West Harrison to select a headstone. Three sets of names and dates were to be on it: Dad’s Mom’s and Tina’s. The original thought was to move Tina’s remains to the empty grave next to Grandma and place her there with Mom. When it became apparent we would have great difficulty in finding Tina, we resolved to honor her memory with the headstone and not worry about moving her.

Then we thought it would be kind of nice to bury Mom and Dad together in the same plot. Since a vault is now necessary when burying cremains, Mom would need to be in one of the empty plots. Dad was only two graves over on Grandpa. The cemetery folks were contacted and they said it would be no problem to move Dad. He could either be in the same vault with Mom or in a separate one in the same plot. We chose the same vault.

The headstone was ready about three weeks before the planned ceremony date. The cemetery guy was waiting for the headstone to arrive before pouring the footer for it; the headstone guy was waiting for the footer to be poured before bringing it. They finally got their act together and the headstone and footer were in place as of April 28.

Two weeks before the ceremony date, the cemetery guy called to say that the cemetery board required a court order to exhume in order to move Dad – we were given the name of a lawyer. The lawyer quoted a fee and said that it would take about a month to accomplish – too late for our purposes as we wanted to bury both the same day (saving on opening and closing of vault costs). Actually, the cemetery didn’t need a court order for exhumation since Dad was not in his own grave and could be moved by the cemetery to place him in his correct grave. But….

Mary checked out what was needed and determined that we could file the necessary documents ourselves, saving lots of money and much time. After Paul informed everyone of this option, all the siblings responded immediately. Mary filed the paperwork on Monday, April 25. The magistrate was ready to hold a hearing right then – Paul scooted downtown as the official applicant and was granted the official authority to exhume Dad’s cremains and to bury them on April 30. All this legal paperwork was dropped off at the cemetery office that afternoon. (Check here to see it all: HCPC - Case Search: Case Frames)

Wednesday, April 27, Judy got a call from the cemetery guy saying that they couldn’t find the cremains and would the woman who said she had been putting dirt on the grave please come and show them where? Mary, when she dropped of the court papers on Monday, had mentioned to one of the cemetery workers that she had been coming to the gravesite over the years and had filled in the depression around Dad’s box – and knew exactly where he was.

Mary and Judy drove out to the cemetery. The workers had used a metal prod all over Grandpa and Grandma’s graves and had not found anything. Mary pointed to the front of the headstone and said that Dad was right over Grandpa’s heart. Turns out that in this particular part of the cemetery, the headstone is really a footstone and where Mary was pointing was actually someone else’s grave. A few prodding attempts were made on that grave which resulted in finding some stones, but the cemetery guys kept their attention directed on the space behind the headstone.

About this time the cemetery board president was called – who turned out to be the cousin of the man who actually buried Dad 20 years ago. The cousin was called and could remember nothing about that particular burial including the fact that he let us use his toolbox to bury Dad in. His wife suggested they search the records to see what was written regarding where Dad was placed. All Thursday was spent searching the records.

Friday morning the cemetery guy called to say that the records just say Dad was placed in Grandpa’s grave – no indication as to where. The board president had inspected the area on Wednesday and was very certain that Dad must’ve been cemented into the footer; the footer was twice as big as normal and the surmise was that Dad might have been dislodged when they dug Grandma’s grave and put into the footer to “keep him safe”. My response to the board president was to check the area with a metal detector looking for remains of the toolbox, and regrid the gravesite area and prod again as the box was small and I didn’t expect that their six-inch grid was very exact. In any case, I said to find him.

By Friday evening the footer had been busted open and the top of Grandpa's grave excavated - and Dad was still missing. Mary had been at the cemetery all that day documenting what was being done. Paul, Karl and Debbie arrived at the cemetery after work and Debbie used the metal detector while Paul and Karl dug up whatever showed on the detector: coins, wires, nails, etc. The records were checked again and it was found that either there was a recording error, or it could be that Grandma and Grandpa were buried in graves a couple plots up the hill. At dusk, frustrated, everyone went home for the night determined that Dad would be found in the morning.

Paul, Mary, Miri and Cassie went out to the cemetery after mass Saturday morning. Paul and Mary sought advice from the sheriff's department in case the cemetery folks refused to keep looking for Dad. The cemetery guys arrived after 11am to start. The top of Grandma’s grave was excavated enough to read the engraved plate on top of the vault which showed her name – Grandma was really where she should be so that much was certain. The empty plot next to Grandma’s was also dug – just in case he was there. At this point the board president, who had been present during all the activity since Friday afternoon, said that they had exhausted their options.

Mary invoked the court order that we had been required to get and insisted that Paul would bring his own backhoe in to dig up wherever he thought best. She reiterated her knowledge of where Dad had been placed originally and Miri felt a strong indication that Mary was correct. Gram and Gramp’s headstone had been moved when they placed Grandma in her grave….try over a bit farther.

Saying that he would only permit two swipes of the backhoe on this non-relative’s grave, the first swipe came up empty. Urged to move a bit further over, the second swipe brought up the box. No trace of a metal toolbox existed and the box showed signs that a metal prod had gone through it earlier although no one had noticed. Everyone there reacted emotionally to the find. Dad was found about 12:30pm. April 30. The service was to begin as 3pm.

The board president presented the box to Paul, asking if we wanted them to hold on to it till the service later. Paul firmly held Dad in place and said he would personally deliver Dad at the appropriate time. They all went home, cleaned up and headed back out to the cemetery. The cemetery guy covered all the dug up dirt with a green plastic “grass” carpet – the hole and vault for Mom and Dad was also covered.

Jack had cleaned the pressure cooker earlier in the week and Judy had made two pouches out of various colors of ripstop nylon that she had been using to make butterfly kites. To keep track of who was who inside the pot, Judy used a permanent marker and wrote "Jeanne" and "Willard" on the appropriate sides inside the pressure cooker and also had sheets of handmade paper with their names written ready to be placed under the pouches.

The individual pouches held the plastic bag of cremains from each box (Mom's was a black box, Dad's a brown box); the pouches were then tied with multicolored yarn. Mom's pouch had to be squished over a bit to make room for Dad's when Paul brought him in - Dad was bigger than Mom. The handles were removed from the pressure cooker.

Miri planned a wonderful service with a bit of help from Jim and Judy - really lovely with incense sticks, holy water and oil for anointing, songs, readings, story sharing.... some laughter and some tears. Miri’s thoughtful and moving reflection and her considerate officiating proved that Mom actually did have a priest in the family like she always wanted – it just wasn’t one of her sons. About 50 people attended, braving the chill wind that blew.

After the service, when the lid was put into place and the pressure top was slid on, Karl's Sean brought up the bag of dried rose petals that Bonnie had saved and Debbie had dried from the grandkids’ bouquet at Mom’s memorial service in 2003. Judy and Aunt Margie’s Mary lifted off the covering over the vault hole and then lifted off the cement vault top. Sean sprinkled the petals while Paul lowered the pressure cooker – it fit perfectly in the space. The handles were put into the corners of the vault. Jim lowered the lid of the vault into place.

It took a while for goodbyes, especially to those not going to the party. As everyone was leaving, the cemetery guy came up to cover over the vault. BUT, he did open the vault top – just to make sure the pressure cooker was there!

A good portion of the folks from the cemetery service made their way to Karl and Debbie’s home for a rousing birthday party. As usual, lots of desserts - and Theresa made sure there was plenty of ice cream. No pigs-in-the-blankets, though. Stories continued till late. The day ended with a restful peace.













The following is the service text as prepared by Miri:



Interment Ceremony



Jeanne Marie De Noma Kaeser April 30, 1919 – June 25, 2003


Interred St. James Cemetery April 30, 2005



As you arrive, please light an incense stick and place it on the gravesite. Let our prayers rise like incense to the Lord.

Song on arriving:
Let There Be Peace on Earth

Opening Prayer:
We come together today to remember those who have given us the gift of life. We honor our parents, Jeanne and Willard Kaeser, who gave us our physical and spiritual life, and nurtured that life as they surrounded us with love. Let us gather the memories we have of the love of our parents.

A combined Reading from the Gospels and Acts of the Apostles:
Then Jesus took the disciples out as far as the outskirts of Bethany , and lifting up his hands, he blessed them. He said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore, make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teach them to observe all the commands I gave you. And know that I am with you always, yes, even to the end of time.” As he said this he was lifted up while they looked on, and a cloud took him, from their sight. They were still staring into the sky when suddenly two men in white were standing near them and they said, “ Why are you standing here looking into the sky? Jesus who has been taken up from you into heaven, this same Jesus will come back in the same way as you have seen him go there.” They then went back to Jerusalem full of joy; and they were continually in the temple praising God.

Reflection on the reading (Miriam)

Song Response:
The Lord is my light and my salvation, of whom should I be afraid? of whom should I be afraid?

Litany of Thanks:
For Mom and Dad’s faithfulness and dedication to each other, their family and their faith, we thank you, Lord.
For the hundreds of breads and bakery goods Mom made to share with others,
For her years of service to the parish as communion distributor and visitor of the sick,
For Mom’s unwavering commitment to Right to Life, the Blue Army, and to all those organizations and charities that work for the welfare of children, families, and the afflicted,
For her strong ties of friendship and loyalty to those she met along life’s way,
And for what else are we grateful? (everyone welcome to add)

Reading:
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God still, and trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house. If there were not, I should have told you. I am going to prepare a place for you, I shall return to take you with me, so that where I am you may be too.” (John 14:1-4)

Burial:
As we place Mom and Dad in their final resting place, feel free to bless them with holy water and oil.

Song Response during the blessing: Blest are They
1. Blest are they, the poor in spirit, theirs is the kingdom of God. Blest are they, full of sorrow, they shall be consoled.
Refrain: Rejoice and be glad! Blessed are you, holy are you! Rejoice and be glad! Yours is the kingdom of God!
2. Blest are they, the lowly ones, they shall inherit the earth. Blest are they who hunger and thirst, they shall have their fill.
3. Blest are they who show mercy, mercy shall be theirs. Blest are they, the pure of heart, they shall see God.
4. Blest are they, who seek peace, they are the children of God. Blest are they who suffer in faith, the glory of God is theirs.
5. Blest are you who suffer hate all because of me. Rejoice and be glad, yours is the kingdom; shine for all to see!

Would anyone care to share a personal comment or memory?

Let us pray:
Eternal Father, you who formed Mom, Dad, Tina, and the rest of us gathered here as well as those who were unable to join us this day, we thank you and praise you for the lives of these good servants. We ask that you keep them in peace in your kingdom until the day when we shall be with you, and see each other face to face again. May they continue to love, protect and console us here on earth, and strengthen us to in our life journeys, so that we, too, may one day share in your eternal reward. We ask this in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Closing song -- Simeon’s prayer (sung by Jim)

Final Blessing:
And now we ask: Lord, God, keep us in quiet and peace as we return to our homes. May your love and peace bless and console us, and gently wipe away every tear from our eyes. We ask this through Christ our Lord, and the Holy Spirit, who together with you live forever and ever.

Sung: Amen, Alleluia!

Please join us as we continue to celebrate our family at Karl and Debbie’s home.



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